How to Successfully Scam People Who Want Work

Today has been kind of a wash out. I'd blame it on being a Saturday, but to be fair so was yesterday. #Graduateproblems...

So, in an effort to do something useful, I will show you how to successfully scam graduates with fake jobs in 8 easy steps.

1. Don't send the same email twice, on the same day. Especially on a Saturday. Unless you're a super exclusive office that works weekends and in the evening, it will quickly alert the receiver that you're offering them something that isn't true. This is bad and is to be avoided at all costs.

2.  Make sure your subject line is informative, and eye catching, but doesn't look like spam. In the above example, Kevin uses 'Get your next career here!' Although attractive at first sight, an individual with more than one brain cell will judge it to be spam. Do NOT use exclamation marks, it's unprofessional. 'New Vacancy' that Sean uses, is much better, but lacks valuable information.If you've managed to get the persons email account illegally, then do a quick google search. Find out what kind of person they are. Tailor your subject line for them. The more time you spend BEFORE sending the email, the higher the click through rate.

 

3. So you've managed to get the sucker to click on your email and read your message. Now what. Well you have 3 seconds to make them read your email. Opening with a dumb ass sentence like the one above will immediately turn off prospective targets. I know you're writing me (This should be 'to you but I'll explain this later) it's pretty obvious bro. Instead open with something stronger like,

 

'Hello, We are currently looking for highly motivated, intelligent persons like yourself to join our team of other highly motivated, intelligent persons. Think you got the stones?'

 

4. Make sure your sentences make sense. Missing words, words that are spelled wrong, simple grammar, it looks bad. And if you can't even get basic English right, no one will take you seriously. Fix this IMMEDIATELY.

 

5. Don't be vague. 'At this very moment I would like to write that your qualifications have been chosen for the place we have recently started, yack yack yack. Give specifics. What qualifications, where is your fantastic office of dreams? Tell the bastard; otherwise face trolling on the Internet.

 

6. This follows on from the above point. Geography is important. Knowing where your recipient lives, and offering them a job there WILL produce results. 'United Kingdom of Great Britain' doesn't cut it. Stalk them if need be. This is information you need.

 

7. Make sure your company LOOKS legit. There are too many companies out there that post fake websites with links that don't work, post websites to a different company name from the one they've called themselves. Or in the worst case, not given any information at all. Don't be as idiotic as the people you're targeting. Get a website, link it properly and make sure it looks the business. No-one's going to waste their time otherwise.

 

8. Always make the offer exclusive. 'P.S The amount of offers is limited.' Not bad, but isn't snappy enough. Suggest that interviews are next week. Give deadlines. It forces them to respond without too much time for digging around. Because no matter how good of a  chameleon you are, they will find out that you're a dick if given the chance.

 

Now follow the above steps, and you too can have your army of door to door sales, commission only drones to make you tons of money. You're fucking welcome.